When I read articles like this one, I always have mixed emotions. The decision to have a baby is intensely personal, so on the one hand, I believe that what I think is relevant to me and only me. But being on both sides of the adoption equation, I feel very strongly about adoption as a wonderful alternative to making your own baby. When a couple or single woman goes to extreme measures to get pregnant, I begin to wonder, "do you really want to be parents or just be pregnant?" There are so many kids in need of good loving homes--both locally and internationally-- that someone who wants to experience the joys and tribulations of parenthood can get there another way.
I also wonder what it means for the biological child when a couple goes to very extreme measures to conceive him or her. Will the parents have unreasonable exp expectations for that child? Maybe not; I hope not.
On the other hand, I understand the sentiment of those who question their ability to love a child that is not their genetic offspring. Some of my relatives are like that. Any doubt about the ability to love an adopted child should be resolved squarely against adoption. That wouldn't be fair to any of the folks involved.
Ironically, people regularly ask if we get so attached to our foster children that it's hard to let them go. And our answer is, yes--at least for 99.99% of them! Often the follow-up to that question is an admission that they could never foster because they'd get too attached and couldn't let them go. I think that's the case with lots of foster parents, who are very attached to their foster children notwithstanding the lack of a biological connection.
I guess it's easy for me to sit here and pontificate about a decision that I didn't have to make. I sincerely hope that the woman in the story finds success on the pregnancy front.
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As a child of in vitro fertilization, first of all there is the pressure of "You are the miracle! You will save the world!" Also, I've been told, "You're my chance to make up for all my mistakes."
Um, no pressure.
Plus, if you starts spending time in conservative institutions (churches, schools, Texas...), you will get informed on a regular basis that you are unnatural. I have a secret feeling that I do not share with my mother that I am against the laws of God and of nature. I know I'm not supposed to exist - maybe a woman shouldn't marry a man old enough to be her father, and past fertility, as it happens, and then go to an unknown donor to pop one out. Try having that riding around on your head: I feel like I'm spending my life making up for the fact that I exist.
It is not a pleasant feeling.
Therefore and ergo, from the point of view of the "test tube baby," conceive naturally (or at least with your actual spouse), or not at all.
When actually faced with that issue, like I was, it's not that easy of a decision to make. There are so many feelings and emotions that enter into the equation. You know that there are so many children who need good homes and you could provide that but at the same time you feel this need/desire to actually create your own baby with your spouse and share in the beautiful miracle of life. It's not just about physically being pregnant but also something deeper that I can't really put into words. Then you also end up feeling guilty because you want to have your own biological baby knowing that other children need homes. It's not a fun place to be. I wouldn't wish the dilemma on anyone else but it happens a lot. You end up blaming yourself--did I wait too long, is my job as a lawyer too stressful, how have I failed? Is God punishing me for something by not letting me conceive a chilD? And then you finally do conceive a child and you lose the baby after seeing their beautiful little picture on an ultrasound and hearing their miraculous heartbeat only to be told by a million people that "at least you know you can get pregnant." That is just oh so comforting (sarcasm).
Fortunately our path only took about 2 1/2 years but we had one miscarriage. I was also lucky in that I was able to conceive using a series of hormones (pills, injections, etc) and didn't have to make the decision on in vitro, artificial insemination, etc.
I now have two beautiful children that got here with the miracles of modern science and the grace of God. I did keep journals along the way because both pregnancies were very difficult but I don't plan to share any of that with either of my children until they are much older and can understand what it was all about.
For now I just thank God for giving me these healthy wonderful children and I tell them every day how much I love them. It wasn't an easy path but one that I am glad that I took.
Yes, there are children out there that I could have adopted and I still think about that. But I have no regrets.
Another issue I've noticed with adoptive families is that you never know quite what you're getting when you adopt. If you adopt when they're babies, then you have no idea what their personality will be like. But if you adopt when they're older, then you have no (real) idea what they went through before you came along and what emotional minefields lay in the future. I guess the same thing can be said for your own genetic children, but then you have only yourself to blame for any personality problems they may have.
I can see both sides too (the curse of legal training!) I have met many women who will (and do) try anything to conceive and carry a child to term. I have seen the pain in the eyes of women like these when they see or hold another's newborn baby. I have also seen the gleam of triumph in a new mother's eye. All of it can be a little disturbing.
What is in us, and what is best about us as women (though men are not excluded) is a desire to nurture and protect. Perhaps it is at the core of every human being, perhaps not. No matter what your feelings on parenthood, to be told that you cannot conceive (or cannot adopt) can be a soul crusher.
There are children who need a loving nurturing parent and too many who will never find one. I have always hoped that one day I will adopt, whether or not I have (or can have) a child naturally. The comments about "not loving them the same/as much" get on my nerves, I won't lie, but I agree with the Professor- those folks probably should stay clear of adopting if they think that way.
I do worry for those who go to drastic lengths for children, both for the physical and mental suffering as well as the testing of their marriages/relationships. Yet, I would never deny any person hope. I just pray that they find what they long for.
Thanks to all of you for some very insightful comments from different perspectives. Your comments are a reminder yet again of the risk of expressing opinions when one hasn't or can't "walk a mile in your shoes."
Just a few thoughts about your comments. To the first commenter, I am most touched by your thoughts. There is no easy response. I hope nothing that I wrote made you feel that I am in the camp of those who think IVF or other means are unnatural. I don't. If anything, I hope that you'll think about developing some "sistah girl" attitude, in the nature of, "I'm here world; deal with it!"
To the second commenter, you expresed far better than I the complexity of the decision. You're right: there is something special about being part of the miracle of life, and I wouldn't trade the joy of hearing the heartbeat the first time, or feeling the hiccups and kicks of the baby, or hearing the first cries for anything in the world. It sounds whiney or simplistic to say, "it's so complex!"
To avacadojer, you are so right about older children! That is one of the reasons we have rarely fostered children older than 6 when they moved to our home, and why would never consider adopting a child who we hadn't fostered. We care for the easy kids. My real heroes are the parents that will foster or adopt older children, especially teens.
Ginger, I share your prayer.
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